Moments of Clarity

Have you ever noticed the times when the clarity of being able to grasp everything that is going on in your life becomes clear?  Then the tremendous weight of everything you have going on becomes a realization. Just the amount of shit that keeps piling on top of me makes the future look very unhopeful.

For example, first and foremost I’m unsure how next semesters tuition is going to happen. I have filled out my FASFA but the idea of taking out more loans is sickening. On top of that I already have the loans for the money I’ve already spent all of, something like $20k. God knows how paying it all off it going to work out come graduation time. On top of that I need to find some stability in work because I need to get rid of my old car for a newer one, if the motor in that goes I’m royally screwed. Currently it is running great, but I just can’t afford the time and the cost of a major upset with it. However at the same time I don’t know if I can even afford having a car payment again. Combine all this with the fact that even though I have a well paying job I can’t seem to save money and I just don’t see a solution. It’s like I’m tumbling down a steep hill and picking up more speed the farther I get down it.

That was just the financial side of it too. At the same time all the tests I have coming up, the book report I need to start, how next semesters schedule is going to work, and how I’m going to maintain my 4.0 GPA. On an unschooled related note I have my shoulder rehabilitation going, as well as the fact I started a diet this week because I need to shed this extra weight I’ve put on. It’s just amazing, how much shit can a single person handle. Writing about this is making it worse so I think I’m going to stop. Acknowledging and dwelling on the weight of the shit pile on top of you probably makes it worse… Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sitting here having a panic attack or falling into depression. It leaves me more emotionless and unmotivated more then anything.

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